Category: God

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Walking Through the Dark Tunnel of Fear

What is your greatest fear? What do you hide so deep that you seemingly don’t even know it is there? It’s a question worth asking. It could very well be the one thing that is keeping you stuck or mired in darkness.

I suppose you might be asking, “If it sits so deep within me, then how am I to discover this fear, and even if I discover there is such a fear, how does one expose it and release it?”

The answer to first part of that question is answered in understanding what fear does. Fear exist to “protect” you from your Self. Your Self being Love. It is why you must first walk through fear if your are ever to find Love, or your Self. A great example of this is my own examination of my fear of God.

For a long time I thought how preposterous it was that I feared God. It wasn’t until I looked at what I thought I would have to sacrifice in finding my Love or true Self, that I was able to admit to myself that this fear was not only real, but so intense, that it literally froze me in my tracks. I could not move forward in my practice of Self discovery until I faced it.

In facing it, the most amazing thing occurred. I was no longer afraid of it. What was this fear? I thought I would have to sacrifice my relationship with my best friend and lover. I was wrong. One beautiful morning, I looked over at her, and admitted to her this fear I had that God would one day command me to leave her and this whole “life” behind.

The mere utterance of this fear broke me down to tears and sobs, but after, when we had talked about it, the fear wasn’t there anymore. It was gone, and quite frankly I felt ridiculous for even having such a fear. I felt almost embarrassed that such a thing had caused me so much heart ache and prevented me from moving forward. I felt a lightness in me.

I spoke this fear to the one I feared I would lose. I raised this fear to the light by sharing it and thus exposing it. Fear only has power in secret dark places. It becomes nothing when it is shared, because in the sharing, the light of sharing, it shows you it was never real to begin with.

You expose your fears by sharing them. You find what you are afraid of by looking at what you protect, value, and cherish. Most of what we think we love, we actually fear. We fear we will lose. Brothers and Sisters, this is not love, this is savage greed. What cost would we endure to hide this. How strong and savage are fears must be, and how relieved you will be when you exchange that savage greed for real and true Love.

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I AM; WE ARE = I AM that I AM!

For the longest time I was puzzled by the saying, “I AM, That I AM”. It is a corrected point of view. Simply put, it means that you see yourself in everything you see, but I am not speaking of the little you. I am speaking of your Spirit. You. The You that is in all of Us. You can tear asunder a hologram into as many pieces as you wish, but the image is always wholly within. Perception can be healing if you allow your Spirit to point to what is within us all. The alternative is to see how each piece is torn and shaped by the tear, but you cannot see both. You must choose what to focus on; will you see the image wholly within, or will you see how each piece is torn and shaped?

Most of us cherish our differences, but would you look for these differences if you knew that by looking for these differences you were blinding yourself to the image held within? This hologram is like those 3-D images that you must relax your vision; allowing your vision to be guided. You have been seeing the other way for so long that you are now blind to the hologram altogether. You see only broken and lonely pieces; the image contained within is lost to you. This is not a letter of condemnation, but one of hope. I am here to tell you that there is a way to see the understanding contained within, once again.

Your Spirit is just waiting for you to allow it to show you that you, me, and everyone in the universe is still whole, and Holy! You first have to realize that you have blinded yourself to that Holy understanding held within, because you have chosen to look at the pieces as separate and unholy. Ask to see it another way; relax your vision; allow it to be corrected; the hologram will be again, and you will know that I AM; WE ARE!

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I Thought I Knew; I Thought Again

The answer is rushing up to meet me. It must be deep. My determination sees me through. When you realize you don’t really know something critical to furthering any understanding of anything else, you ask. You do it, because you must. The words cross your mind, they seem absurd even there, but it’s not enough, the question must cross your lips and be breathed into being. You ask.

Tears seem to well up from the asking, you’re not sure why, there is heat in those tears, a rumbling warmth behind the eyes. You ask again and again. You know you don’t know the answer, and it’s the first time in a long time such honesty was allowed to surface. In the past you would have answered with, “I know.” You can’t now, because you asked, and you asked because you realized you didn’t know. That unknowing allowed for space.

Silence responds with more silence, but what was so unnerving before is now a comfort. You can’t explain it, but the silence is adequate. The response sweet. The answer is there, and while you know you didn’t really understand it, you knew it was enough. You knew that you would understand eventually, and that, coupled with a dawning realization that everything else rested on that understanding, gave you the courage to wait.

The answer to my question will be the foundation from where I lay my garden. That is why I am willing to wait for the answer. You can’t rush such understanding. I am forty plus and until this very morning I thought I knew the answer. I based every decision I have ever made on that dangerous oversight! Maybe that is why the answer comes slowly, it must navigate the treacherous waters of my assumptions.

The more I recount my life, the more I realize I have no experience that I can fall back on to give me any foundation. I must let all of it go. I must forgive all the sights seen as nothing more than wishful dreaming. A dark wish, that undercuts reality. Is this what waking feels like? It must be driving you crazy to know the question, but I’m not sure telling you is the wisest of all outcomes. What enlightenment could you glean by re-asking what you consider elementary questions? How many of you are on the edge of your seat ready to assist me with my query?

Here, Ponder this…

If God is love and God created Me like itself… So, by that understanding, I realized I didn’t know what Love is. I didn’t know what or who I am. I simply asked, “What is Love, What am I?” I thought I knew.

I’m so very happy that I thought again.

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Baptism by Fire

I don’t know if you can relate, but I wasn’t satisfied with what anyone ever told me about God. I grew up in an alphabet soup of denominations of Christianity, but none of them fit for me. It wasn’t personal enough, and I certainly couldn’t get behind the idea that to be “God Fearing” was a good thing.

The whole principle of fearing your creator was absolutely insane to me. I asked why many times, and nobody could give me an answer that satisfied me, so I chose to love God and to never fear him. It wouldn’t really dawn on me what my relationship to God really was until many years later.

My life would take a quite a few twist and turns, as it often does. I don’t mind sharing with you that I became mired in my own ideas of what success was, and God had very little to do with it. As I grew up in this insane world I too adopted it’s insane practice of acquiring wealth, power, prestige, etc. I became a student of fear, war, murder, deception, lies, and basically everything that was the polar opposite to Peace and Love.

I became very ill. Those practices that I had adopted were killing me ever so slowly, no doubt because of who I truly was. Everything that I had come to hold dear was stripped from me, one by one. Every single time I lost something I valued I would turn to what I had left and that in turn was taken as well. My home, family, career, all of it slipped through my fingers like sand. I didn’t know it, but God was preparing me for the discovery of a lifetime.

There was a time that I sat in an abandoned shell of a house in ankle deep refuse, pondering my own death as I stared into oblivion. I was faced with a simple choice, every complexity was removed, it was simple, would I choose life or death? It was a very real choice for me and death wasn’t looking so bad in that moment. You have to understand that I still held onto the idea of a Loving God. I simply couldn’t see how I could be apart of that, but I couldn’t bring myself to take what God had so graciously given. So, I chose Life.

My life changed in that choice. It was the beginning of my recovery from hell. Many believe hell is a place we go for being bad, but I assure you it is here now. It is a state of being, and many of us are in that state, and we are none the wiser that we are there, until we aren’t any longer. I walked away from fear, ever so slightly that day. I reached out for help that day, and Love reached back, pulling me from my tepid and shallow grave that I had dug for myself.

My self worth was so low. Up really was the only way to go. I had truly hit rock bottom. Every illusion of freedom had been stripped, every idea that I could do it alone was gone. I needed help, and I knew it on such a fundamental level. I started going to Alcoholics Anonymous, and that is where I began my new life. I had to learn everything all over again. I was humble enough to do what was asked of me and what was suggested.

One of those suggestions was develop my own concept of God. Something that I took very seriously as a child, and now it something I was doing again. Up until that point, I had been attempting to adopt other peoples concepts of God, trying to shove a square peg in a round hole. My concept changed often in those first years, but eventually I stumbled upon “The Course” and it changed my life forever.

It suggested that I was a Son of God. Now this flew in the face of everything I was taught as a child; the Son of God was Jesus Christ, and if you wanted to go to heaven you had to accept Jesus Christ into your heart. Something I had done many times, through baptism, and through many denominations. I never felt…different after these baptisms. It turned out I was to be baptized in fire, not water. I had to go through hell to reach heaven, and looking back, that is exactly what had happened.

As of today I am only a third of the way through my first round of the course, and that round has taken many years, but I am still trudging the happy road to self discovery. That discovery has already led to great treasures. I am a Son of God; I don’t really comprehend what that truly entails, but it definitely means God Loves me and I Love Him. There is no room for fear there, only Love. A great indicator that I am on the right path.

My Inferno was my false beliefs that I was not worthy of Love. My Salvation began with a helping hand from family, from a mothers love, and that’s ironic, because it was my discovery that God was my family that freed me from this hell. I am a child of the Divine. I am so grateful that God saw fit to reach back into my dream to remind me what awaits me when I allow myself to be awakened.

I am lost in form, but I am not so lost that I have forgotten my origins, Amen. Or, if you like, I was lost and now I am found. Are you ready to be found?