
I don’t know if you can relate, but I wasn’t satisfied with what anyone ever told me about God. I grew up in an alphabet soup of denominations of Christianity, but none of them fit for me. It wasn’t personal enough, and I certainly couldn’t get behind the idea that to be “God Fearing” was a good thing.
The whole principle of fearing your creator was absolutely insane to me. I asked why many times, and nobody could give me an answer that satisfied me, so I chose to love God and to never fear him. It wouldn’t really dawn on me what my relationship to God really was until many years later.
My life would take a quite a few twist and turns, as it often does. I don’t mind sharing with you that I became mired in my own ideas of what success was, and God had very little to do with it. As I grew up in this insane world I too adopted it’s insane practice of acquiring wealth, power, prestige, etc. I became a student of fear, war, murder, deception, lies, and basically everything that was the polar opposite to Peace and Love.
I became very ill. Those practices that I had adopted were killing me ever so slowly, no doubt because of who I truly was. Everything that I had come to hold dear was stripped from me, one by one. Every single time I lost something I valued I would turn to what I had left and that in turn was taken as well. My home, family, career, all of it slipped through my fingers like sand. I didn’t know it, but God was preparing me for the discovery of a lifetime.
There was a time that I sat in an abandoned shell of a house in ankle deep refuse, pondering my own death as I stared into oblivion. I was faced with a simple choice, every complexity was removed, it was simple, would I choose life or death? It was a very real choice for me and death wasn’t looking so bad in that moment. You have to understand that I still held onto the idea of a Loving God. I simply couldn’t see how I could be apart of that, but I couldn’t bring myself to take what God had so graciously given. So, I chose Life.
My life changed in that choice. It was the beginning of my recovery from hell. Many believe hell is a place we go for being bad, but I assure you it is here now. It is a state of being, and many of us are in that state, and we are none the wiser that we are there, until we aren’t any longer. I walked away from fear, ever so slightly that day. I reached out for help that day, and Love reached back, pulling me from my tepid and shallow grave that I had dug for myself.
My self worth was so low. Up really was the only way to go. I had truly hit rock bottom. Every illusion of freedom had been stripped, every idea that I could do it alone was gone. I needed help, and I knew it on such a fundamental level. I started going to Alcoholics Anonymous, and that is where I began my new life. I had to learn everything all over again. I was humble enough to do what was asked of me and what was suggested.
One of those suggestions was develop my own concept of God. Something that I took very seriously as a child, and now it something I was doing again. Up until that point, I had been attempting to adopt other peoples concepts of God, trying to shove a square peg in a round hole. My concept changed often in those first years, but eventually I stumbled upon “The Course” and it changed my life forever.
It suggested that I was a Son of God. Now this flew in the face of everything I was taught as a child; the Son of God was Jesus Christ, and if you wanted to go to heaven you had to accept Jesus Christ into your heart. Something I had done many times, through baptism, and through many denominations. I never felt…different after these baptisms. It turned out I was to be baptized in fire, not water. I had to go through hell to reach heaven, and looking back, that is exactly what had happened.
As of today I am only a third of the way through my first round of the course, and that round has taken many years, but I am still trudging the happy road to self discovery. That discovery has already led to great treasures. I am a Son of God; I don’t really comprehend what that truly entails, but it definitely means God Loves me and I Love Him. There is no room for fear there, only Love. A great indicator that I am on the right path.
My Inferno was my false beliefs that I was not worthy of Love. My Salvation began with a helping hand from family, from a mothers love, and that’s ironic, because it was my discovery that God was my family that freed me from this hell. I am a child of the Divine. I am so grateful that God saw fit to reach back into my dream to remind me what awaits me when I allow myself to be awakened.
I am lost in form, but I am not so lost that I have forgotten my origins, Amen. Or, if you like, I was lost and now I am found. Are you ready to be found?



















